I am fab ..fabulous not fabricated

Quite apparent that I have fallen into the habbit of blogging once a year and it has nothing to do with the lack of inspiration.
I think and I think a lot . It could be the cuplrit .
I think too much .
Too much for me to handle or to analyze.
Sometimes I wish my mind would just clear up or atleast put the thoughts in a orderly fashion , maybe , even list it. I tell you it would make my life much easier .
The other thing that I worry about is the biggest problem of my Life. Procrastination. Just as heavy as the word, nothing less. Its even more amusing since I know the problem but I keep the solution on hold for the next day. I think you understand my dilemma.

People inspire me and I love learning from the experience. But I find it even more fun lately when I have to think whats wrong with them. A bit cynical you think I bet !. I pondered on this topic for quite sometime to find out the source of my new founded pleasure mechanism and I realised it isint my problem. As the bible says " Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" . I am right now the receiver of the action and I am in the process of returning. I have come to accept this because this is the only probable answer to my woes. I have tried and tried and I have failed somewhere and as a result I received what I dont deserve and giving it back too. Living in a foreign land teaches you many things and most of all it teaches you the importance of having a family. I didnt realise that it was also my social and moral barometer. I need that unconditional love and affection to reinforce the faith in myself. It gives you the reason for not becoming " The Next Generation Biting Bitch". Quite a revelation eh !

I see this woman everyday, around 65 yrs old , haggered , yet she is always there before me with her broom cleaning the university grounds. I think she does understands her non-existence in the animated university life. Everyday its the same overalls , her head bent and her hands in a continous sweeping motion , broken only to let a bycycle pass by. I am a gaijin a, foreigner and I am aware of the japanese xenophobia , maybe too much of an exaggeration, but atleast a hesitation to talk. I went up to her and said Ohayo gozaimasu and at first she couldnt understand and stood there astonished, I greeted her again and walked past.Next day there she was again , and being the only Indian woman on the campus I am pretty recognizable. She looked at me with an expectant gaze and i greeted her .. Ohayo gozaimasu , but today she gave me a toothy grin , her most of the tooth missing . It was beautiful. I wanted to go and hug her , give her the Munnabhai style pyaar ki jhappi ... i guess it does really work. Now everyday I wait to see her smiling at me. My sensei tell me its so refreshing to see a happy face in the lab every morning and he smiles too...infectious it is ! Sometimes a action gets a doubled and tripled reaction , i think we can certialy defy certain rules at times :)...................................



You hear, you reply and yet you never understand you are taking it for granted ...
Taken for granted, bouegois Phrase. All victims and none can escape. Worst!
I did not understand the importance of being Understood, until I came to Japan. Everyday is an attempt to make myself understood. Broken japanese, slow english answered with gonzo gaze, addled brains and incomprehensible replies. I am back to childhood , no one understands my babble, and I just so hate it !
I miss talking in my fluent Delhi rapid fire style, rather I am loosing it, and to top it all I am developing this psuedo accent, probably trying to imitate and speak phonetically as close to the American way so that the japanese could understand, and now that is my Style , its interesting , its socio-conditional evolution.
Mondainai ! No problem , I will exemplify the Fittest , because I will Suvive !

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......



and you finish off as an orgasm.”

5:30 AM .. the buzzer is shrilling, reluctant, I tear myself out of the cozy confines, start of another week, monday blues never seem to end till the whiff of fresh coffee hits the nostrils, Gorgeous day !:) I peek out in the balcony, still dark and quiet, I breathe ... Thank you!... everyone. The prayer is small ...

So many things to do, I never get a minute of calm, yet I have the time to talk to friends, laugh, observe, the small garden, can recognize every flower every leaf, watch them grow and die ...i breathe ... I am still alive !.

Absolutely hate the coffee shop around the corner.. its scrumptious , a battle everyday not to give in to the apple pie, calorie conscious, Hate it ... inhale deeply the intoxication ..

Want the fur, the boots, and everyhting i don't have, laugh at the futility, concoct, the adaptation of the "dream" and determined to endeavour .. as long as i live ...

I am selfish, everyday and everything runs around my life ...

Am a loner , life of the party, and everything you would ever want :).. but cannot have .. :)


There is a lot to me , things i cannot tell things i would not tell but how much time do you have anyways ? If lots then something is wrong, there is too much to do!! Dont oblige me with this precious gift , I seldom return in this regard.... I have no "reason " why should anyone read " about me" right now .... tedious contemplations and severe perseverance required ... right now NONE !

Change is inevitable , except , where u really want it -- Anger and Helplessness --Sometimes, I Change everyhting possible, with no cognition. Unpredictable repercussions ... Something that I should Change, AWARE ...atleast ..

"It was on a bitterly cold and frosty morning during the winter of '97 that I was awakened by a tugging at my shoulder. It was Holmes. The candle in his hand shone upon his eager, stooping face and told me at a glance that something was amiss. "Come, Watson, come!" he cried. "The game is afoot. Not a word! Into your clothes and come!" Ten minutes later we were both in a cab and rattling through the silent streets on our way to Charing Cross Station. The first faint winter's dawn was beginning to appear, and we could dimly see the occasional figure of an early workman as he passed us, blurred and indistinct in the opalescent London reek. Holmes nestled in silence into his heavy coat, and I was glad to do the same, for the air was most bitter and neither of us had broken our fast. It was not until we had consumed some hot tea at the station, and taken our places in the Kentish train, that we were sufficiently thawed, he to speak and I to listen. Holmes drew a note from his pocket and read it aloud:-- ............"



Sherlock Holmes romanticized grey winter morning, hot bubbling teas, chill wild london wind, impressioned on my 8 year old mind with a effect, so much so, I would spend many a days, day dreaming about wearing long coats, fighting the cold wind.Especially when the temperature outside, was soaring upto 42 degrees,imprisoned in the unbearable, populated DTC bus of Delhi, the life line for many college goers surving on Rs 25 for 3 month buspass, only to be awakened by the loud uproars between the conductor and the passengers fighting over a 2 rupees ticket.Today I walked through my dream, the romantic grey winter morning, bliss.....But.... I missed my Watson ....I missed the old associations , I missed Delhi and like I always say ..."I miss the essence of loving it and hating it at the same time".

Stupid

“Don’t know why am stuck here. Know you are not worth paying attention to, not smart enough for matching wits with.”

Those were screamed at me, stranger yelling on a public domain on my public scrap book. A chill shot through my spine, only to let a searing anger rush through my body, muscles contracting for that huge release when you hit someone really hard, clogging all the blood flow into the brain that could reason the vulgarity of the statement itself, I almost… felt like a MAN !

And then I laughed, laughed really hard!
ROFL for the internet savvy!

Torrential wet night, Tokyo station , gushing winds, heavy raindrops splittering into fine mist by the metal overheads, unstoppable carried by the wind, refreshing even in the cold december, respite from the daily bickerings and constant evaluation... Train rolls by with its familiar rhythmic clunk, inside, happy cuddled over dressed wet people , there presence noticeable on the foggy glass windows, I press my cheek against the cold window... Happy to be alive !

DaffodilsBy William Wordsworth
I wander’d lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending lineAlong the margin of a bay
:Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced;
but theyOut-did the sparkling waves in glee
:A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lieIn vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Whenever I hear the word buttercups and daffodils , my heart sours and reach someplace i really want to be , never could explain the journey withing , maybe I am friends with wordsworth soul :)

My husband wrote on a blog :

Absence makes the heart grow fonder"Yes and no... absence can be of merely the presence ... not of the communication. What is it that any relationship is all about? Talking ... communicating ... the physical aspect is only a part of it ... and I believe it fades away in the end after a decade or two ... which leaves you just the communication and the companionship part.

My wife and I actually met on internet and maintained a long-distance relationship for two years while I was in Japan. We chatted every day. For hours. It worked for us. I finally went to India for a year, when we were able to see each other more. Ended up marrying and then had to stay seperate again for almost half a year till I managed to get her here as well. And we have been on a continuing honeymoon ever since.What if the communication was not that regular either? Can a relationship survive on the basis of mere memories? I doubt it. Memories and feelings, unless reinforced, eventually fade in intensity, as is their nature. So all in all ... it depends on what your concept of a long-distance relationship is. So yes... communication is a key.The concept of "

The One"... is just a concept. He/She doesn't exists beyond the scope of your mind... else your imagination would have to be fairly limited and lacking in ambition/desire ... what we really seek is completion. To have someone to care for, to protect, to love. And someone who returns all that.

My wife had a concept of "the one". He is currently working somewhere in USA, is around 5 years younger than me, earns about a gazillion dollars per month, isn't too handsome nor ugly, though looks much better than me. He goes to the gym every day, has muscles that would make the existing Mr. Universe surrender his title out of pure embarrassment. He owns his own company, and has a huge swimming pool in front of his house. He is a fantastic cook and has won many awards for it. He is well groomed and well-mannered. His photo gets published on the cover of The Times every month. His parents are preferrably either dead, or never existed, giving him one-up even over Jesus christ ... he is fantastic in every aspect ... sports, romance, personality.

Unfortunately my wife never found the unlucky chap, and she had to settle for just me. Someone who doesn't knows how to cook. And doesn't keeps the house clean... And snores while he sleeps.Is she unhappy? Well ... we have fights ... we argue ... and at the end of the day, she tells me she is lucky to have me in her life. And I feel the same.

We wouldn't have it any other way."

:)